An Average Day in My Life If I Were Someone Completely Different

6:15 Wake up to text message from my manic depressive girlfriend Pinky. Pinky owns a combination dog/human hair salon designed for people who want to look more like their pets. She's also quite a looker.7:01 Dressed (in track suit) and out the door to meet Pinky for quick breakfast at The Hot Bisquit.

7:18 Got in small to medium size fight with Pinky about whether or not I value my origami tournaments more than my time with her.

8:30 Escape the Hot Bisquit leaving Pinky to sulk and possibly key my Moped.

9:04 Arrive at my job at the Salmon Farm.

9:30-12:00 Feed fish and shit.

12:17 Receive frantic call from landlord. Someone is setting my apartment on fire. Landlord is concerned.

12:18 Mourn the loss of my origami trophies, all sadly flammable. Consider leaving work. Decide against leaving work--after all, the firemen are very capable, and someone needs to cull the salmon.

2:00 Can't enjoy my peanut butter and banana sandwich out of worry for my worldly possessions. Contemplate man's obsession with material things

5:00 Get off work and receive a call from Pinky apologizing for burning down my building. I accept her apology but tell her "I can't really be around you right now." I grab dinner at the Olive Garden.

5:18 Overhear Olive Garden employees making fun of my Moped's custom paint job.

6:00 Attend a lecture on the use of stone tools by Cromagnum man.

7:30 At temporary housing in the Motel 8 watching Police Academy 4.

8:15 Receive second apology call from Pinky. I agree we both said and did some things we didn't mean. We make plans for meet for breakfast on the following day before work. She apparently had a productive day at the salon and promises to treat me to a fun story about a man and a Shitzu. I already know it's going to be great.

10:00 Take a shower and get ready for bed. Say prayers, thank God to be alive, and make daily promise to eat less carbs.

I mean, come on.

Dear professors teaching new media classes,

Please learn how to use a computer before attempting to teach. I know you're technological prowess extends mainly to microwaving popcorn... but come on. You are journalism professors. You know why you are a professor and not a journalist. Failure to master the internet.

Thank you for making me spend an hour fixing your computer.

Sincerely,

Immature Poet

Not Even a Little Bit Interesting

You really shouldn't be reading this. You should be outside enjoying this beautiful day. You should be out carpe-ing some diem.

Unless of course you work the average 9-5 daily grind. In which case, you're inside right now because you're getting paid to be inside during the vast majority of the daylight hours . In which case, you're getting paid to be reading these very words, just as I'm getting paid to write them. Or rather paid while writing them--I'm being paid to do something else all together (in the hierarchy of jobs, it's somewhere between toll booth operator and dictator of a small to medium sized country).

Also, even if you AREN'T being paid to be inside right now (and why not, you degenerate bum?) you might also be starting to call my bluff about it even being a nice day. Yesterday, was a lovely day (at least here on the East Coast, and I see no reason why people in other parts of the country/world shouldn't base their moods and activities on our weather patterns) but today is actually a little on the cold and crappy side. So perhaps you shouldn't be outside. And perhaps I shouldn't be either.

You still probably shouldn't be reading this.

Immature dreams

So, last night I had an odd dream. I was dreaming something, I don't remember what, and someone asked me a question. I responded "It was like punching a dragon," and then I had a flashback to me, punching a dragon. Kinda like this:




It was pretty much the best dream ever, I think.

Immature Music

So, last night I volunteered at an art show near the Navy Yard in SE DC. At least I assume its near the Navy Yard, cause that's the metro stop.

It was a joint art show between a few organizations and the apartment complex, which was trying to show how trendy and cool it was to live there. Hipsters galore.

I was bartending in the tent, which was where some artists were painting live, which was pretty neat. The were also experimental musicians performing, which was incredible. This led to three top moments of the night, in no particular order, and not all music related:

1. Two musicians were performing together (one who kept trying to hit on my co-bartender.) There sound bordered between feedback and cats dying. My favorite moment, though, was when one of the members made a slight adjustment on his mixer, and the other person gave him a horrible look of disgust. Like "What the hell did you just do?"

2. Another guy came over to get our free pretzels, and was talking to someone, and just kept missing the bucket, and ended up almost reaching into the trash. My friend and I just stared, and when he realized we were watching it ended up being the most awkward moment of the night for me.

3. The last band to play had some amazing lyrics. The best, I'm sure, were spoken through a french horn, making them completely unintelligible. One guy came over to talk to us while they played, and said "Man, interesting, huh? They sure are unique. What is that? A french horn. Definitely a french horn." before walking away. Other lyrics we could understand were: "Prepared by the court eunuchs! In the catherdraaaaaaaaaal!" and "We make sheep meat for the king!"

It was definitely an interesting night.

Immature Words

Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. As that is what today is, I thought I would share it with you. It also may be the coolest phobia out there.

Well, good luck today, all you friggatriskaidekaphobics.

The Immature Critic

As a watcher of movies and a haver of opinions, the idea of writing a movie review has always appealed to me. Actually, the idea of getting paid to do it and also getting advanced screenings of upcoming films is more what appealed to me. Nevertheless, even the big reviewers probably had to start small (ie, writing for a blog no one reads), before blossoming into people whose opinions are apparently better than mine.

For the first of no doubt many Immature Poets illustrious reviews, I have chosen the film (which may end up gendering me a little despite the fantastic anonymity of the blogging world): He’s Just Not That Into You.

For starters, I’m going to go out on a controversial limb and disagree with the prevailing sentiments of other reviewers on this one and declare is a fine film! This is mostly because it’s edgy and cool to disagree with the majority, but also because I really did like it. Granted, there were definitely some mixed messages and at the end I’m not sure what the movie was really trying to tell women, but really doesn’t that just make it profound?

Also, at first I was a little reluctant to consider the guy from the Mac commercials as a credible lothario or romantic lead. “Why are all these hot women going for that lame guy?” was a question that crossed my mind early on. By the end though, he had won me over with his shiny hair and bizarre last act character change.

I would definitely recommend seeing this film in a theater setting (as opposed to illegally downloading it, which I would NEVER condone). Not because it has sweeping scenery or an epic quality, but just because the audience was mostly women and they were very vocal during the movie. Also, there is inevitable post movie discussion potential! It is a veritable treasure trove of ethical questions just waiting to be unearthed.

I’m not saying this movie is perfect or that is should be nominated for an Oscar or that it should be revered as a work of fine art above all movies ever made in any language since the onset of film making. In fact, some aspects are troubling about it. Mostly the fact that I ended up finding Ben Affleck the most likeable male character. But overall, I consider this experience $11 reasonably well spent (which translates to about….3 stars).

There's Something about Shamu

My friend informed me about the silly idea of Shamu's shows having names. You know, Sea World Shamu. She sent me some examples like these:

1971-1974	Shamu Goes Hollywood
1974-1975	Shamu for Mayor
1975-1977	Shamu the Yankee Doodle Whale
1977-1980	Shamu Goes to College

And then told me about some other name ideas she came up with, like "Weekend at Shamu's." jessicarobot:which would be like Weekend at Bernie's

me: hahaha

me: shamu dies mid show?

jessicarobot: only way funnier because 2 dudes carrying around a dead killer whale and pretending it's alive

Some Honorable Mentions, first: When Harry Met Shamu, A Streetcar named Shamu, The Hunt for Red Shamu, For the Love of the Shamu, My Dog Shamu, Of Mice and Shamu, The Shamus of Wrath,

Well, here are my top ten Shamu shows:

10. Slumdog Shamu

9. Shamu Wars

8. Shamu likes it Hot

7. Mystery Shamu Theatre 3000

6. La Dolce Shamu

5. Night of the living Shamu

4. The Shamu Redemption

3. Million Dollar Shamu

2. Shamu's List

1. The Seven Shamuri

I think that about does it. Besides the fact that Shamuri need to be a real thing.

Healthy figures all around.

Immature Poets are brilliant

See, I told you it was here all along.