Friday, March 6, 2009

Introducing "Bottom of the Barrel" Fridays

It's a blogging truth universally acknowledged, that when you have nothing of value to say, you can always post pictures of baby animals.

Another good blogging trick is to say disparaging things about cute animals, or just link to those who do:

Monday, March 2, 2009

Immature Poets prefer veggies with cool names

This story is about how naming vegetables cool things increases how many kids will eat them.

Kids won't eat their vegetables? Rename them, scientists say.

In a new study, 186 four-year-olds were given regular carrots and, on other lunch days, they were given the same vegetables renamed X-ray Vision Carrots. On the latter days, they ate nearly twice as many.

The study suggests the influence of these names might persist.

To sum, scientists say if you want your kids to eat veggies... lie to them. Recipe for success. I'd suggest getting them to blog about it, but it may have been done already.

Friday, February 27, 2009

An Average Day in My Life If I Were Someone Completely Different

6:15 Wake up to text message from my manic depressive girlfriend Pinky. Pinky owns a combination dog/human hair salon designed for people who want to look more like their pets. She's also quite a looker.7:01 Dressed (in track suit) and out the door to meet Pinky for quick breakfast at The Hot Bisquit.

7:18 Got in small to medium size fight with Pinky about whether or not I value my origami tournaments more than my time with her.

8:30 Escape the Hot Bisquit leaving Pinky to sulk and possibly key my Moped.

9:04 Arrive at my job at the Salmon Farm.

9:30-12:00 Feed fish and shit.

12:17 Receive frantic call from landlord. Someone is setting my apartment on fire. Landlord is concerned.

12:18 Mourn the loss of my origami trophies, all sadly flammable. Consider leaving work. Decide against leaving work--after all, the firemen are very capable, and someone needs to cull the salmon.

2:00 Can't enjoy my peanut butter and banana sandwich out of worry for my worldly possessions. Contemplate man's obsession with material things

5:00 Get off work and receive a call from Pinky apologizing for burning down my building. I accept her apology but tell her "I can't really be around you right now." I grab dinner at the Olive Garden.

5:18 Overhear Olive Garden employees making fun of my Moped's custom paint job.

6:00 Attend a lecture on the use of stone tools by Cromagnum man.

7:30 At temporary housing in the Motel 8 watching Police Academy 4.

8:15 Receive second apology call from Pinky. I agree we both said and did some things we didn't mean. We make plans for meet for breakfast on the following day before work. She apparently had a productive day at the salon and promises to treat me to a fun story about a man and a Shitzu. I already know it's going to be great.

10:00 Take a shower and get ready for bed. Say prayers, thank God to be alive, and make daily promise to eat less carbs.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I mean, come on.

Dear professors teaching new media classes,

Please learn how to use a computer before attempting to teach. I know you're technological prowess extends mainly to microwaving popcorn... but come on. You are journalism professors. You know why you are a professor and not a journalist. Failure to master the internet.

Thank you for making me spend an hour fixing your computer.


Immature Poet

Friday, February 20, 2009

Not Even a Little Bit Interesting

You really shouldn't be reading this. You should be outside enjoying this beautiful day. You should be out carpe-ing some diem.

Unless of course you work the average 9-5 daily grind. In which case, you're inside right now because you're getting paid to be inside during the vast majority of the daylight hours . In which case, you're getting paid to be reading these very words, just as I'm getting paid to write them. Or rather paid while writing them--I'm being paid to do something else all together (in the hierarchy of jobs, it's somewhere between toll booth operator and dictator of a small to medium sized country).

Also, even if you AREN'T being paid to be inside right now (and why not, you degenerate bum?) you might also be starting to call my bluff about it even being a nice day. Yesterday, was a lovely day (at least here on the East Coast, and I see no reason why people in other parts of the country/world shouldn't base their moods and activities on our weather patterns) but today is actually a little on the cold and crappy side. So perhaps you shouldn't be outside. And perhaps I shouldn't be either.

You still probably shouldn't be reading this.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Immature dreams

So, last night I had an odd dream. I was dreaming something, I don't remember what, and someone asked me a question. I responded "It was like punching a dragon," and then I had a flashback to me, punching a dragon. Kinda like this:

It was pretty much the best dream ever, I think.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Immature Music

So, last night I volunteered at an art show near the Navy Yard in SE DC. At least I assume its near the Navy Yard, cause that's the metro stop.

It was a joint art show between a few organizations and the apartment complex, which was trying to show how trendy and cool it was to live there. Hipsters galore.

I was bartending in the tent, which was where some artists were painting live, which was pretty neat. The were also experimental musicians performing, which was incredible. This led to three top moments of the night, in no particular order, and not all music related:

1. Two musicians were performing together (one who kept trying to hit on my co-bartender.) There sound bordered between feedback and cats dying. My favorite moment, though, was when one of the members made a slight adjustment on his mixer, and the other person gave him a horrible look of disgust. Like "What the hell did you just do?"

2. Another guy came over to get our free pretzels, and was talking to someone, and just kept missing the bucket, and ended up almost reaching into the trash. My friend and I just stared, and when he realized we were watching it ended up being the most awkward moment of the night for me.

3. The last band to play had some amazing lyrics. The best, I'm sure, were spoken through a french horn, making them completely unintelligible. One guy came over to talk to us while they played, and said "Man, interesting, huh? They sure are unique. What is that? A french horn. Definitely a french horn." before walking away. Other lyrics we could understand were: "Prepared by the court eunuchs! In the catherdraaaaaaaaaal!" and "We make sheep meat for the king!"

It was definitely an interesting night.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Immature Words

Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. As that is what today is, I thought I would share it with you. It also may be the coolest phobia out there.

Well, good luck today, all you friggatriskaidekaphobics.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Immature Critic

As a watcher of movies and a haver of opinions, the idea of writing a movie review has always appealed to me. Actually, the idea of getting paid to do it and also getting advanced screenings of upcoming films is more what appealed to me. Nevertheless, even the big reviewers probably had to start small (ie, writing for a blog no one reads), before blossoming into people whose opinions are apparently better than mine.

For the first of no doubt many Immature Poets illustrious reviews, I have chosen the film (which may end up gendering me a little despite the fantastic anonymity of the blogging world): He’s Just Not That Into You.

For starters, I’m going to go out on a controversial limb and disagree with the prevailing sentiments of other reviewers on this one and declare is a fine film! This is mostly because it’s edgy and cool to disagree with the majority, but also because I really did like it. Granted, there were definitely some mixed messages and at the end I’m not sure what the movie was really trying to tell women, but really doesn’t that just make it profound?

Also, at first I was a little reluctant to consider the guy from the Mac commercials as a credible lothario or romantic lead. “Why are all these hot women going for that lame guy?” was a question that crossed my mind early on. By the end though, he had won me over with his shiny hair and bizarre last act character change.

I would definitely recommend seeing this film in a theater setting (as opposed to illegally downloading it, which I would NEVER condone). Not because it has sweeping scenery or an epic quality, but just because the audience was mostly women and they were very vocal during the movie. Also, there is inevitable post movie discussion potential! It is a veritable treasure trove of ethical questions just waiting to be unearthed.

I’m not saying this movie is perfect or that is should be nominated for an Oscar or that it should be revered as a work of fine art above all movies ever made in any language since the onset of film making. In fact, some aspects are troubling about it. Mostly the fact that I ended up finding Ben Affleck the most likeable male character. But overall, I consider this experience $11 reasonably well spent (which translates to about….3 stars).

Friday, February 6, 2009

There's Something about Shamu

My friend informed me about the silly idea of Shamu's shows having names. You know, Sea World Shamu. She sent me some examples like these:

1971-1974 Shamu Goes Hollywood
1974-1975 Shamu for Mayor
1975-1977 Shamu the Yankee Doodle Whale
1977-1980 Shamu Goes to College

And then told me about some other name ideas she came up with, like "Weekend at Shamu's." jessicarobot:which would be like Weekend at Bernie's
me: hahaha
me: shamu dies mid show?
jessicarobot: only way funnier because 2 dudes carrying around a dead killer whale and pretending it's alive

Some Honorable Mentions, first: When Harry Met Shamu, A Streetcar named Shamu, The Hunt for Red Shamu, For the Love of the Shamu, My Dog Shamu, Of Mice and Shamu, The Shamus of Wrath,

Well, here are my top ten Shamu shows:

10. Slumdog Shamu

9. Shamu Wars

8. Shamu likes it Hot

7. Mystery Shamu Theatre 3000

6. La Dolce Shamu

5. Night of the living Shamu

4. The Shamu Redemption

3. Million Dollar Shamu

2. Shamu's List

1. The Seven Shamuri

I think that about does it. Besides the fact that Shamuri need to be a real thing.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Immature Poets are brilliant

See, I told you it was here all along.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Creating Masterpieces Using Nothing but Verve and Microsoft Paint

Creating great art takes great talent. Alternatively, you can follow this easy guide to creating real beauty out of the program Microsoft Paint (I can't find the registered trademark symbol right now, but I doubt any Microsoft affiliates are among my esteemed readers). Today we're creating a beautiful landscape in 4 easy steps. It's sort of like Bob Ross but without the mess of paints or the lovable 'fro.

I'm thinking of trying for a night scene, so the first thing you'll need to do is make a moon. If you want to be a bit more advanced, you can make a sun instead, but then you'll need to compensate by choosing a brighter sky hue. You're probably better off just swallowing your pride and going with the night scene. It's up to you, maverick. To make the moon, make overlapping circles and then fill one in. Erase the other and you have a moon (see Figure 1). Imagine that! You'll also notice that I filled in the sky. You're welcome to get a little crazy with "custom color" feature if you like and go a little darker or lighter. It's your masterpiece--make it your own!

Figure 1
Well done! Now you're ready for Step 2. Let's add some rolling hills to our picture. I like to use the curvy line function. As a word of warning, don't be surprised if when you make the line curve exactly where you want it to and then click somewhere else that it will change into some freakish curve that bares no resemblance to what you intended. Just roll with it! Art is about spontaneity, or at least it is when you don't know what you're doing. Observe the result:

Figure 2
Let's keep this art train rolling and move straight into Step 3. Step 3 is all about letting your creativity shine through. You can add whatever you like. After all, it was pretty much a landscape already after Step 2. The rest is just filler. Suggestions: a village of houses, some stars, random swirling clouds, a large plume or smoke and/or the entirely black silhouette of a tree. The choice is yours. Isn't art fun?

Figure 3
You're so close it's ridiculous! Step 4 is actually the easiest step. Just add some shading and tighten things up a bit. Just make sure to not over-edit.

Figure 4

Now sit back and enjoy your work. You earned it! Feel free to print off your work and put it on your home or office refrigerator. Don't forget to sign it so everyone will know who the artist is. Also, you may want to plug Immature Poets.

Immature Poets tell you how to Oscar Party

Well, its that time of the year again. Critics are hailing the Oscar nominations or lambasting them for leaving out their favorite film. The industry is on pins and needles, wondering who will win what. But what really matters is how you throw an Oscar party. You need to first make sure you invite the right people.

Here are the key players you need to invite to make sure that your Oscar party is up to snuff so you and your friends can have a good time.

Guest #1 – The Oscar Pool pusher
This guy has been following all the news and really wants everyone to make a bet and predict who will win. He’s got his ready to go. While pools are fun, this guy is going to talk about how he is going to win because he picks best costume and best original song, but in the end he will probably get almost everything wrong, so go ahead and take his money, it’ll be fun.

Guest #2 – the obnoxious film student
This guy is majored in film in undergrad while you were studying English, or Chemistry, or one of those slightly more credible fields. He spent his time watching movies while you toiled away and now he works as a Barista while you still toil away. But he’s required, so you have to invite him and his pretentions. He’ll hail all of the indie movies you haven’t heard of and discuss the intricacies of why Waltz with Bashir is a better foreign movie (he’ll call it a film) than The Bader Meinhoff Complex. He also will continuously complain about Heath Ledger winning an Oscar because “He wouldn’t if he hadn’t died.”

Guest #3 – The Dark Knight fan boy
Regardless of what category and who wins, this guy is going to complain about how the Dark Knight is much better and explain why. He’s wrong, but he’s probably bringing the Pabst Blue Ribbon so you got to let him in.

Guest #4 – The bored friend
This person doesn’t really watch movies but came for the beer. You know the one.

These are the required people for a successful Oscar night party. Sure, invite your friends, but without these four people the party just won’t be the same, and next year you might be watching alone on your couch.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Immature Poets learn about Proper Bus Etiquette

In the big cities, and in some smaller cities, people ride buses. But bus rides can be tedious affairs, what with their driving and sitting and not doing anything. That’s why I have come up with these simple rules for bus riders so that everyone can be as entertained as possible. Now it is your job to give a little back and follow these rules.

Rule #1 – Talk loudly on your cell phone

While no one ever really likes someone who talks loudly on their cell phone, the bus is an exception. We’re bored and forgot out books… so go ahead and chat loudly so we can casually eavesdrop on you. If your normal cell phone volume is a five, crank that voice up to a seven or an eight. The people in the back need to be able to hear you over the engine. Do your part.

Rule # 2 – Discuss that jerk Bob from down the hall

Listen, we all know Bob, he’s kind of a tool. But we like to hear stories about Bob. Maybe he kept trying to look down your top, or kept inviting you to a fun game of ultimate, or keeps talking about how great Howie Do It is. The key is find something to complain about. Even if he did your work for you and then just sent you home early, complain. Soon the whole bus will be behind you in support.

Rule # 3 - Share your embarrassing secrets

Vicki gave you syphilis. You got caught picking your nose. You farted during class. Your roommate walked in on you with a hedgehog and a bottle of Vaseline. These are all things that cannot wait for you to get off the bus. Even if you are on the phone, you must save all secrets for the bus ride. (See rule #1 for how to share them.) Share them then, trust us, we won’t tell.

Rule # 4 – Listen to bad music

This is key if you don’t know Bob or have divulged all of your secrets and your cell phone has died. Play music loudly enough that we all can enjoy the stylings of Katy Perry, Black Eyed Peas, or Cold Play. The more terrible the better, because soon it will be stuck in our heads and we’ll be entertained for days, whether we like it or not.

So follow these simple rules and together we can all enjoy our bus rides a little more.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Immature Poets are writing hastily.

Welcome to this written-entirely-during-my-lunch-break edition of Immature Poets (For previous, hilarious editions check our archives. If you can’t locate them, rest assured: the problem is with you. Become more tech savvy.)

At any rate, the reason we at Immature Poets are eating our nuked leftover pasta while composing this instead of our other favorite lunch break hobby (googling stuff) is you. We do it all for you, dear reader, to make your life better. Today’s life-bettering post addresses the important issue of the pain-stakingly composed Facebook status update.

Gone are the days when the only way to express passive aggression online was through emoticom filled angsty livejournal posts. Thanks to an ever-evolving Facebook, you can express dissatisfaction with your life/ex/investment portfolio in the blink of an eye! However, with great efficiency comes great responsibility. Don’t fall into the trap of overusing the power and having later cries of “Hector Hobbs is HATES everyone” lose their punch and fall on apathetic ears. Here are a couple of tips and guidelines to make sure every time you update your friends, loved ones, and random people you don’t really know but for some reason friended on your current state of being—that you do so with the utmost poise and conviction.

--Make things as vague as possible. This will seriously increase the intrigue and thus the number of comments your status earns. No one has any need to respond to a clear-cut: “Pajama Booth is sad after being dumped by my boyfriend, Seth” or “Jesus Van Buren ate 7 pizzas. Can you believe that?!!! No, these are the straightforward statuses of amateurs. A clever Facebooker knows a more alluring status would be: “Chad Sparrows is your grandfather” or “Marcy Cutler is NOT at fault. It’s public decency laws that are too constraining” or (and this only for the truly adept) “Jorge Meadows is…”

--Never use real names. This adds to the vagueness as mentioned in dashed point one, but also gives plausible deniability. Compare the following: “Gordon Hatfield thinks Lacey is a dirty whore who will die of venereal disease” and “Gordon Hatfield thinks someone is a dirty whore who will die of venereal disease.” In the latter, Gordon has some wiggle room should those rumors about Lacey prove false—and they may be able to rekindle a romance without worry about spreading infection. In the former, not so much.

--Don’t be afraid to get a little creative. Make up words as needed! “No one likes a grammar Nazi” is something we here at Immature Poets are fond of saying.

---This final dashed point if the most important (hence the added dash for emphasis): think twice before putting up any Facebook status. If you’ve been drinking or are under the influence of illegal substances, go ahead and think it through three or four times. Remember that things that seem vitally important in the heat of righteous indignation may become more of a stain of embarrassment when your best friend’s mom who friended you a few days ago sends you a kindly meant Facebook message suggesting you get counseling.

Hopefully you’ve found this helpful, dear reader. Now I have to go wash my Tupperware and return to the job at hand. Happy Facebooking!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Inaugural blog

Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.

- T.S. Elliot