An Average Day in My Life If I Were Someone Completely Different

6:15 Wake up to text message from my manic depressive girlfriend Pinky. Pinky owns a combination dog/human hair salon designed for people who want to look more like their pets. She's also quite a looker.7:01 Dressed (in track suit) and out the door to meet Pinky for quick breakfast at The Hot Bisquit.

7:18 Got in small to medium size fight with Pinky about whether or not I value my origami tournaments more than my time with her.

8:30 Escape the Hot Bisquit leaving Pinky to sulk and possibly key my Moped.

9:04 Arrive at my job at the Salmon Farm.

9:30-12:00 Feed fish and shit.

12:17 Receive frantic call from landlord. Someone is setting my apartment on fire. Landlord is concerned.

12:18 Mourn the loss of my origami trophies, all sadly flammable. Consider leaving work. Decide against leaving work--after all, the firemen are very capable, and someone needs to cull the salmon.

2:00 Can't enjoy my peanut butter and banana sandwich out of worry for my worldly possessions. Contemplate man's obsession with material things

5:00 Get off work and receive a call from Pinky apologizing for burning down my building. I accept her apology but tell her "I can't really be around you right now." I grab dinner at the Olive Garden.

5:18 Overhear Olive Garden employees making fun of my Moped's custom paint job.

6:00 Attend a lecture on the use of stone tools by Cromagnum man.

7:30 At temporary housing in the Motel 8 watching Police Academy 4.

8:15 Receive second apology call from Pinky. I agree we both said and did some things we didn't mean. We make plans for meet for breakfast on the following day before work. She apparently had a productive day at the salon and promises to treat me to a fun story about a man and a Shitzu. I already know it's going to be great.

10:00 Take a shower and get ready for bed. Say prayers, thank God to be alive, and make daily promise to eat less carbs.